I used to think I was lucky when I look back on my life but then I realized I have been fooling myself. I have made many mistakes and have many regrets. We are supposed to live life with no regrets? Unless you are raised in a bubble with someone to watch over your entire life, you are going to make mistakes and have regrets. My mum passed away 8 years ago, nearly 9. This time of year is always hard for me because I can still watch in my mind, every detail of her final days, hours, minutes. I was with her when she died. Let me tell you, she wasn't going towards the light...she was scared. Cancer took her. The man-made disease produced from all of the pollution and toxins in the environment, so the government could keep their coffers full. Ok, I'm a bit of a conspiracy theory fan. I can't help but think after the billions and zillions of dollars the "researchers" make every year on donations and charities...they haven't gotten any further in the cure? Ah well, how else are they going to cull the population without raising a stink? Anyway, enough of that. As you can see, my mind is all over the place.
Up until my mum passed away, I was married to a man that has a penchant for drinking volumes of alchohol. When mum died, I booted the husband out thinking that was what I was supposed to do. Life is too short...blah blah blah. Since then I have been struggling like crazy to get back on my feet. My dad bought out my husband on the mortgage of our home and my dad, myself and my two daughters lived in the house for another 3 years. Dad was 72 at the time. Trying to carry half a mortgage on a pension is tough so to make things easier for my dad and myself and kids, we sold the house and I moved into a 2 bedroom duplex rental. (Regret) Dad is better off, which I'm happy for. He has a great little bachelor pad in my sister-in-law's mom's house just 5 minutes from my brother and his family. Me, I pay $970 a month PLUS utilities so basically, I've traded a house for a rental and I'm paying the same amount. My kids have gone from having their own room to sharing a room. Our neighbours (landlord) live above us and are watching our every move. We can't have the tv too loud, the dog is not allowed to bark, the kids can't have a group of friends over. Its like jail...only worse. I'm kidding of course, I have no idea what jail is like. Although, I've considered it for retirement. 3 square meals, education, exercise, recreation...all paid by the taxpayer. Gotta love that!
Ok, lets start from the beginning....well, my 5th year on the planet anyway....
Although I remember snippets of life in England and the boat ride across the ocean to Canada, my sister, who is older by 3 years, can tell me things I couldn't remember. Like waving goodbye to our English family from the ship that would lead us to a whole new life in Canada. I guess my mum and dad wanted to start fresh. I can't figure out how they could have made such an epic decision to leave their families thousands of miles away. They said life would be better out here. There were jobs to be had. My dad is a tradesman. Tool and Die maker. In 1969, people needed money in the bank, a job to come to and a sponsor to live in Canada. Today, you can just walk off the boat with nothing but the clothes on your back and be welcomed with open arms. Again, thanks to the taxpayers, like my mum and dad and every other new immigrant in their day, they will be given a job, a home, monthly support. I'm all for people wanting to have a better life in another country but as we get older, we become cynical and blame the government for everything. Probably because the government takes a piece of our hard earned money; every pay cheque, every hard earned dollar we spend, every year at tax time when we have to account for our own money. Ok, getting off track again...
(regret) Coming to Canada. Ok, so I didn't have much of a choice but looking back on my life, growing up without my aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents (that we saw maybe once every 3 years), I feel I don't really have any roots here in Canada. My sister feels the same way. My brother, who was born here, doesn't feel it though. This is the only life he's known. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love Canada and all its grand beauty but my soul belongs in England. My English family didn't make out so badly, in fact, they did really well for themselves...all of them. Better than my parents, actually. But, if we could see our future, we wouldn't have regrets, would we? I know my mum loved England, she would always talk about it and we would always bitch at her about how we live in Canada and not to go on about England all the time. (another regret) because now I know exactly how she felt.
When we moved to Canada, we lived in Toronto, Etobicoke, Malton, Bramalea, Etobicoke and back to Bramalea again. How can a child feel secure and settled with all this constant moving? I was shy to begin with so making friends was a difficult dance for me. And when I finally did have a best friend, off we would move again. My sister turned to drugs and alcohol. She had 3 kids before she was 20. She's divorced. She's ok now though, thank God (if there is one). Do you know what this tells me? My parents were never settled here...never. The only person in our family in Canada that is doing ok is my brother. He's happily married, 2 lovely sons, a nice house, a good job. My dad drinks like a fish, gambles and gives the impression that he probably doesn't have much money in the bank. We suspect he lives pension cheque to pension cheque.
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